THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS SEEING RED these days. Frankly, it’s been everywhere—in the campaign, in the Senate, in the Courts—on the hats. The president* has been shattering norms right and, you know, extreme right, like a redolent red scare on a bluebird day. But there are some lines you don’t cross—red lines, you might say—like redneck racism and red-bait rhetoric and the ruddy rule of law. It seems the carotenotic cretin has crossed every bloody one—with lipstick, sans blush.
It’s all right there in the Mueller Report, sans the worst red actions. Yes, there was no collusion, but collusion is a red line drawn in invisible ink—it doesn’t legally exist. Conspiracy is the proper legal standard, but these geniuses couldn’t conspire their way out of a chalk outline, and sheer stupidity is nothing if not a pusillanimous political strategy. It’s like the Redcoats and Brexit, redlining the populist vote with whitewash. Donald Trump and Boris Johnson have plenty in common, after all; the coifs are crude and colorful, but there’s way too much whitespace between the ears.
Obstruction of justice is an entirely different matter, however. Mueller reports that red lines were crossed redundantly. But red-state Republicans read the report through rose colored glasses, and—funny—those red lines just vanish. See? It’s a hoax! A rouge! A collusion delusion! Clearly, this is obstruction of an entirely different stripe.
Democrats harbor cooler heads, however, and when you’ve got the blues, those red lines are rubicund. Representative Roy G. Biv, from Orange County, California, was clearly tickled pink: “This isn’t just a black-and-white issue, folks. There’s an entire spectrum from lily white to deep-in-the-red, and Trump is obviously in the pink no more. Just ask Stormy You-Know-Hue.” Representative Rose Acea of Cherry County, Nebraska, offered a more colorful rejoinder: “Bird Brain Realized Only Yesterday Grotesque Bastards Invariably Violate Women.”(1) Now that’s a pink elephant that anybody can see.
Muller, for his part, has hand-drawn a colorful map, full of bluebirds and red lines and gray areas and pointers to the pink slip. Republicans who’ve never read it think it’s just a little white lie. Democrats who have think it’s black and white red all over. As for the kids, Ivanka is pretty in pink, but she wouldn’t know a righteous red if Representative Rose Acea slapped her in the fascia, and after two years Jared’s redeyes still see nothing on the map in any color. The black sheep of the family just tweets saturated shit that’s crude and crass and right out of the blue, and poor Eric is just plain colorless. They each should have been redshirted—indefinitely.
In typical fashion, Trump has gone on the attack. Clad in his stahlhelm and his coat of many colors, Trump served up a little red meat for the vegetables. ”Those yellow-bellied Democrats aren’t even red-blooded Americans, folks. They’re just a bunch of true-blue socialist pinkos who want to make America grape again. And you’ve all seen the report. It’s right there in black and white—plus Bill Barr’s color-coding. Total Exoneration! (Great guy, that Bill Barr.) And have you noticed? That’s right—the report is mostly white. Every single page! Sure, there’s some ink, but black is bullshit, colors are for queers, and white is always right. (White is right! White is right! White is right!) And when they ask—and they will—just tell ‘em I’m peachy!
He’s only off by one consonant.
It’s time to put a stop to these signs. Enough is enough. We’re better than this.
On a happier note, it seems the NRA is suddenly deep, deep in the red. Some think it’s greed and financial mismanagement, but it isn’t. It's actually just all the blood on their hands.
Fade to black.
(1) A mnemonic to help memorize the colors of the rainbow: Black Brown Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet White.